Irrational Thoughts: A Look Inside My Brain

So my parents subscribe to my blog now.  The one complaint my mom had was that I told the internet world in my previous child-author-slash-illustrator-prodigy post that she was going to the bathroom.  I was just protecting the world from saying what she was really doing.  She was concocting a plan to take over the universe.

Better, Mom?

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming…

I think I am sick.  I have a problem, and sometimes it consumes my life.

I suffer from irrational thoughts.

Now, before I scare any of you off, they are not remotely dangerous nor are they going to inflict harm on myself and/or others.  This tends to be the concern when I tell others that I have said irrational thoughts.  Immediately people assume that I am going to creep into their bedroom in the middle of the night to bludgeon them with a hacksaw while simultaneously shooting at them with a bazooka.

Why is everything always about OTHER PEOPLE?  These are MY irrational thoughts.  Stop trying to make irrational thoughts for me!

Also, the things in this post are not meant to be confused with irrational fears.  I have none of those.  My fears are all completely rational, and anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves.  I only have three real fears: stinkbugs, tunnels, and escalators.  They are all fucking terrifying and therefore they are RATIONAL.

My friend recently did say though that she is afraid of getting stuck in cement, and that thought has got my mind churning and it may make its way onto my COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY RATIONAL fear list in the near future.

Anyway, I am going to give you guys some examples of my irrational thoughts.  And you will see for yourself the process of my brain.

1) When my chest hurts

What a Normal Person would think: I have indigestion.  Something I ate must have been too hot or too acidic or too unhealthy for my esophagus to handle.  I need to manage my food intake.

What I think: I am dying.  I am probably having a heart attack and I should lie down and say my goodbyes to my worldly possessions.  Goodbye cruel world, it was nice knowing you.

2) When some part of my abdomen hurts me

What a Normal Person would think: I think I have cramps.  Maybe it is from the abdominal exercises that I partook in this morning, or maybe I am about to menstruate.  It also could be because of that strange and undeterminable thing from my refrigerator that I decided to eat this morning.

What I think: I HAVE APPENDICITIS.  Even though the pain is not concentrated to the lower, right side of my abdomen where my appendix is located, I have appendicitis and my appendix is going to explode and I will die.  Never mind that this pain happens fairly regularly and so I probably would have already had appendicitis approximately 600 times before in my life, it is appendicitis NOW and I should probably see a doctor about this.

3) A toothache

What a Normal Person would think: I probably have a cavity from all of the sugary foods that I consume on a regular basis.

What I think: MY TOOTH IS FALLING OUT!  I already lost all of my baby teeth, so what is happening to me!!  This makes no sense!  Now it feels loose as I wiggle it around in my gums!!  Why is this happening to me, WHY!!!!

Now, perhaps, my most irrational thought of all.

4) Nothing happens [to trigger any of these feelings]

What a Normal Person would think: My, what a lovely day it is!  The sky is blue, the birds are singing, there are deer outside frolicking!  This could be the best day EVER!!!

What I think: I am sulking.  I have no friends.  Everyone that says that they are my friend is lying to me.  Everybody is a liar, and also everybody hates me.  What have I done that was so terrible to cause everybody to hate me?  Even flowers hate me.  The moon hates me.  Barbecue grills hate me.  Rocks hate me, though they have no reason to hate me because they are rocks.  Except that I walk on them sometimes so now I can see why they would hate me.  Life is terrible.  Nothing good is on television, all books in the entire world suck, and music SUCKS.  No, music doesn’t suck, just most music sucks, so I’m going to listen to the same song on repeat all day because it doesn’t suck and it is the only thing that I can tolerate right now.

Now, there really is absolutely NO REASON for any of those thoughts to cross my mind.  Sometimes it just happens, and I don’t know why.  That’s why it is irrational!  If I could explain it, then it would be rational and therefore this entire post would be a lie.

But it does happen from time to time, out of nowhere.  Perhaps something happened to me in childhood that would explain this but I don’t know where to begin.  I can assure you that these thoughts do not last long, only a few hours at a time, and few and far between.

I will avoid people when I feel this way so as to not lash out at them and tell them that they suck or to avoid sobbing and blubbering like an idiot.  And then a few hours later, I am fixed!  And I can continue my day, happy as ever.  And then I look back at my day and think, “PSH!  Why did I think everybody hated me??  Everybody LOVES me!”

And I am back to normal.