The Devil is on Earth as we speak.

Stink bugs are, without question, the most vile insect in existence.  I should know this because not even my cats will eat them.  And they eat everything, including ribbon.  And plastic bags.  And sometimes their own vomit.

Stink bugs are my mortal enemy, and I do not throw that term around lightly.  For those of you fortunate enough to not know what a stink bug is, here is a picture of the hideous thing.  You've been fairly warned before you look that IT is gross.  IT is evil.  And IT will kill you.

Just looking at a picture of them makes me want curl up into a ball and saran wrap myself in hopes they don’t find me.  And don’t be fooled that they just looked like ordinary insects either, because they are not.

Yes, that is an impossibly large Samurai sword attached to ITs back.

They are ninjas.  I kid you not.  They are everywhere and nowhere all at once.  You don't even see them coming.  But suddenly, bam, there's four of them coming at you.  You don't know what to do first.  Duck and cover?  Run away screaming?  Violently strike them until they are indistinguishable pulp?  (I recommend you avoid that last option, lest you wish your hands to smell vaguely of their foul odor for days, hence their name.  They really do, truly, stink.)

There are hundreds, no, THOUSANDS, maybe even BILLIONS of bugs that invade my home yearly.  I have done some research, and this is what I have discovered about the beasts:

• Brown Marmorated Stink Bug—Translation: Assholes.
• Scientific name: Halyomorpha halys
• Accidentally introduced into eastern Pennsylvania—Eff you, PA.
• Serious pests of fruit, vegetables and farm crops—Basically, if you don’t want them to invade your home, live nowhere near vegetation.  Might as well call a lumberjack and get all of your trees, shrubs, and anything green removed because they will just eat them up.
• Their eggs attach to the underside of leaves in masses of 20 to 30—Holy. fucking. shit.  Clusterfucks, literally.  Clusters of fucks.
• Check your house thoroughly to ensure there are no cracks or holes left in any entry point—Don’t have windows or doors on your house.  Better yet, don’t even have a house.  Because these things will find a way in, and they will destroy your life. 

These are necessary precautions that must be taken in order to avoid these deadly and vicious creatures.  Luckily for me, I have a sort of 6th sense and I can detect when they are in my immediate surroundings.  With my cat-like reflexes, I am aware of where they could be lurking at all times.  Often you will hear them before you see them.  They twitch, shudder, and make a propeller-like sound when in flight.  This aids in determining where they are.

If all else fails and a bug gets much closer than is safe, then:

1) Run.

2) Scream.

3) Hide under a table.

4) Cry.

5) Find someone else to take care of the problem.  If they don't want to help you,

1. bribe them.
2. keep yelling until they are forced to help or else will miss the remainder of the final quarter in the very important and life-threatening-if-my-team-loses sports game.
3. keep crying until there is no other option than to help because you're not breathing or making any noise and they'd rather just kill a bug than take you to the emergency room so you can be hooked up to oxygen but you're pretty much already asphyxiated and so you go into a shock-induced coma which you will be in for approximately 17 months and upon waking up you will have no idea who you are or where you are and suddenly it's like that new Channing Tatum movie and you're married and don't know your own husband and he has to make you fall in love with him all over again which is awfully familiar to the plot of 50 First Dates but no one really likes Adam Sandler anyway so I guess it's okay to make a similar movie 10 years later.

Typically bribing works.

Because my family has to deal with this situation far more often than any of us would like, we have determined the best way to rid our house of them so as to avoid as much panic caused by me as possible.  Well, I say "we" loosely.  In actuality, it is often times my dad or brother and occasionally my mom who get the bugs while I flee.

1) Get a cup.

2) Fill said cup with water and dish soap (though personally I believe a little rubbing alcohol or perhaps some heroin may be more effective).

3) Grab a pen and said cup filled with water and soap(/rubbing alcohol/heroin).

4) Put said cup underneath bug.

5) Use pen to flick bug into said cup.

6) Watch intently while rubbing hands and laughing maniacally as bug drowns in said cup.

Win.

(more information on these Devil Bugs: http://ento.psu.edu/extension/factsheets/brown-marmorated-stink-bug, http://stinkbugsguide.net/get_rid_of_stink_bugs.htm)