You kidding? College
sucked. It was basically just high
school on a larger scale; at least my college was. And high school sucked. I am not a
school person, and I will not miss about 95% of it. There are some things I will miss, though,
and I’ve compiled a list of them here.
1) $5 Target mirror
I will miss you, $5 Target mirror. I bought you on a whim at the beginning of my
senior year in order to make sure that I looked alright before leaving my
apartment. You were slightly warped and
always managed to make me look thinner than I am. This flattered me. This also allowed me to skip many a workout
on lazy days because I looked great in you, $5 Target mirror, and why bother
working out when I look great? So here’s
to you, $5 Target mirror, that I so carelessly threw out in an effort not to
bring as much home with me as possible. You
will be missed.
2) Conveniently large bathroom
For some reason, the people who designed the apartments at
my college thought to themselves “The bathrooms here should be REALLY HUGE!!!”
and ran with that thought. Therefore,
the bathroom was conveniently large. It
was convenient for:
a) having social gatherings of 10-20 people within the
confines of only the bathroom
b) having a dance party for yourself
c) Parkour
d) blasting music while you were showering which echoed
nicely off of the entirely tiled surfaces within the bathroom
Seriously, why is there so much free space? Anyway, I enjoyed my time spent in you,
conveniently large bathroom, and now any normal size bathroom will pale in
comparison because they’re merely not large for absolutely no reason
whatsoever.
(Alternatively, the conveniently large bathroom came with an
inconveniently small shower in which it was impossible to shave one’s
legs. BUT I DIGRESS.)
3) Absurd amount of closets
I’m tempted to say that the people who designed our
apartments at school just loved an abundance of things. An abundance of space, to be exact, as seen
in both #2 and also the absurd amount of closets that we were given. Not only was there a front entry way closet,
there were two fairly decent-sized closets in the hallway that led to our
bedrooms, as well as a large back closet that could fit a bed in it. Not even kidding. A regular, twin-sized mattress could fit
easily in the back closet. As a matter
of fact, the majority of our closets went unused. Being deprived of closet space growing up and
soon to be moving into a most-likely tiny apartment, I regret not having fully
embraced the closet space that was so generously bequeathed upon me. So goodbye, absurd amount of closets. I never took the time to know you the way
that I should have.
4) The prime parking spot
You were the closest parking spot to the apartment buildings
on campus and, though you were rarely free, when you were open it was
triumphant. You made me feel invincible when I cruised down the aisles and saw you sitting there, wide open and waiting
for me to park my car in you. And when I
was the proud owner of you for those times that were very few and far between,
I felt successful. I felt as though my
life had meaning. I felt powerful. Until, of course, I had to go to the grocery
store and then was left without you*.
Thank you for the memories, prime parking spot. You know how extraordinary you are to come
across.
*Often after leaving for the grocery store, you are forced
to park in the really bad parking spot in the very far away parking lot, which
you were almost always guaranteed to have to park in on a
rainy/snowy/precipitationy day when you have 11 bags of groceries and no
friends that are willing to help you carry them. Stupid really bad parking spot.
5) Extremely quick-heating stove top burner
The front right burner on my stove was a real hot-head, in
the best way possible. When placed on
the lit burner, a pot of water would boil in practically 60 seconds. Maybe even less time. I could literally watch a pot of water boil
in front of my very eyes, basically while watching pigs fly and fat ladies
sing. Every other burner I’ve ever come
across in my life has taken minutes, hours, DAYS to boil the water that I just
want to cook some simple penne pasta in.
I’ve nearly starved waiting for pots of water to boil. But not with you, extremely quick-heating
stove top burner. You’ve made all of my
cooking dreams come true. You were so
good to me that I chose to ignore that the burner directly behind you never
once worked. Even the time I tried to
heat some sauce up and didn’t know why it refused to get hot. Your tenacity and dedication to get as hot as
possible as fast as possible, extremely quick-heating stove top burner, was
just the thing to get me through. I’m
sure I’ll never meet another burner quite like you again in my lifetime.
6) Close proximity to literally anywhere you want to eat at
all times ever
My college is located right next to a highway that is
atrocious to drive on but is lined with basically every restaurant you could
ever want to eat at ever (and some you’d probably never actually want to go to
but definitely go to anyway because you’re a poor college student and that’s
what those places are for, right? I’ll
let you determine those places off of the following sub-list of this master
list). There’s diners, Panera,
McDonalds, Wendy’s, Boston Market, IHOP, Chipotle, Japanese places, Chinese
places, Thai places, Italian places, Moes, Starbucks, frozen yogurt places, ice
cream places, Pizza Hut, Dunkin Donuts, and obviously bagel places galore. Everywhere you could ever want to eat was
basically within a 10 minute round-trip drive. Now, I'm not sure that I'll ever be in close proximity to literally anywhere I want to eat at all times anymore. With such a variety of options on the local highway, and such terrible food in the cafeteria, I guess it's only fair they placed my college on said local highway. Cheers to the close proximity to all of those great(/terrible/gross/awesome) food places. I'll miss you when I have to cook my own food probably all the time forever when I'm on my own.
7) Groundhog friends
You were always there, sitting outside the full-length
windows right by my kitchen table, eating grass and scurrying around on your
little groundhog legs. You were plump
and adorable and I will miss watching you scurry while I eat my breakfast. I’ll always remember the time I got a picture
with one of you, little groundhogs. I’ll
see you again someday, friends.
For real, though, I guess I’ll miss my friends and a handful
of professors. You guys are pretty
cool. And I guess I'll miss sitting around pretending to do things when I'm actually just watching GSN and eating tortilla chips and salsa, even though I'll probably continue this into adulthood. But I’m real glad I graduated, and
this list probably reinforces that. Bye
4ever college.
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